10 kind ways to say 'no' to our kids

Here are 10 ways you can help set healthy boundaries and redirect your kids away from what you don't want them to do.

So, here are 10 helpful ways to say no, using the example of candy.

1. Agree, with a caveat

“Sure. As soon as you finish dinner you can have some candy.”

You are essentially saying “No candy before dinner!”, but the packaging is different. This may not work all the time. If you experience excessive whining or bargaining, try the other options listed below.

2. Choose between two options

“Candy will ruin your appetite if you eat them before dinner, but it looks like you really have a craving for candy. Tell you what, you can either have 1 piece of candy now or 4 after dinner. Choose.”

You can even make a game out of it. If your child chooses to just have 1 piece of candy, it is a “no looking candy”. This means, you close your eyes and take one random candy out of the pack. If they don’t want it, they can still choose to have 4 candies of their choice after the meal.

3. Provide an alternative

“You’ve already had candy in the morning today… How about some fruit instead?”

You can also offer a more acceptable alternative that your child will like just as much. For instance, if they know that you won't be giving candy, they may happily settle for the alternative rather than get nothing at all.

4. Make use of authority figures for "help"

“Hmmmm…. I don’t think we can eat candy before dinner. Tell you what, next time we go to see Dr. X we can ask her about it. Remind me, OK?”

Feel free to invoke her teachers, your relatives, anyone that fits the situation at that time.

5. Team up with them!

“I know! I so want some candy too…. How I wish the rule about not eating candy before dinner did not exist!”

Consol each other about the heartless rule and move on. There are times when it really is that simple.

6. Bring your imagination to life

“You know I can’t give you real candy before dinner. How about some pretend candy? I could give you twenty of them. You want one hundred? Alright here’s a million, a gazillion of them!”

This works with children who understand the concept of pretending. Children also love numbers and the bigger the numbers you say, the more fun it is.

7. Put it in writing as an IOU

“OK, here. Let me write (or, “You write” if your child can) a note that I will give you 4 pieces of candy after dinner.”

One enterprising little child once held on to his note for ice cream and claimed it a week later when the weather was very hot.

8. Let them see it, but not eat it … yet

“Ok, here are 4 pieces of candy on a plate. I am going to set it right here so you can keep an eye on it. As soon as you finish your food, I will give it to you.”

With some children, having their goal in their line of sight makes it easier to be patient and delay gratification.

9. Give them control over the situation

“I just heard XY (name their favourite toy) say they want candy too. Can you tell XY why they can’t have candy?”

The results of this method could either be disappointing or entertaining. It may even give you useful insight into the impact of your parenting style on your child since they will often mirror what you do.

10. Give them a sense of validation

“I can tell you really want candy. It looks really delicious, but we aren’t going to have it before dinner.”

Instead of saying “no, you can’t have that” when your child wants something, try an empathetic response.

Save “NO!” for emergencies

In an emergency, a loud and emphatic “NO!” can be the right thing. Some experts suggest using words like “STOP!” or “STAY THERE!” as these words direct their attention to what they need to do.